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140362 Jun. 30th, 2004 @ 03:36 am
remember
cinderblock crimes
and concrete chasms
tears shed on reusable linen
woolen blankets

a scratch that can't be itched

industrial grey permeation
and ecru
cream
creme de la creme
coated with dentally hygenic dreams

remember

shower shoes with an asian theme
green stands for authority
but lacks control
shoe laces and bullets bear equal threat
to security

can't hold on because it's catching
charging the air with pain
reverberation like the slamming of the slider

ten four

remniscent of nicotine naivete
follow the black and blue
to catch a whiff of freedom
embodied in white

days after days met by wake ups
sleep late
lose
wait

remember

docket and commitment
children bearing children
and scars like so many raindrops
on the recreation floor

hope discovered in discussion
who what why
and when will it end
three hots
metallic
caught

silence and serenity prayers
wheat bread and saving onions
projection screen big macs
on soy based burgers
fireballs
burned bridges
burned bodies
burned and banished

discovery of penitence
are you sorry?
planning a future
suicide attempts by the way
futile attempts
to forget the clip
up the old snotclocker

thats where it used to be
where she used to be

remember

through the glass
looking
hating
silicate barring sense of touch
miss you so much

life skills taught
learned by lives killed
not beat for it
apples and oranges
bananas and blues
traced reminders of what
once was

can you feel it?
come
miss every moment
so cold
so cold

stabbed in the front
in the back
through the heart
blood like black slicks of oil
on water like liberty

don't forget
please
no thank you's
bowled over
bawled over
top this top that
war stories and warped stories

press one for acceptance

remember

shipment at five
nightlights humming in the dark
and like a priest on an office chair
overlooking the towel in the glass
pop my door and promise nothing

too close
tears ran like you did
but yellow lined paper
brought it back

squat
cough
spread
lather
rinse
repeat
or dry cleaning optional
jewelry not required
at least not all the time

are you sorry?
remorse
reminder

remember

wait

anticipation burning ulceration
butterflies and drain flies
in holy matrimony
left lonely
vultures lurking at the tables
scrapped
rolled like swiss

vindicated the reason
stop the ache
a hundred days made older
seven nights of thunder
thirty two millimeters times five
equals
twenty six hours times one

stamp me
just not on Saturday
or bank holidays
dead presidents as well
coded coloring
blue or red
then green
fresh meat

remember

used
solicitation as a double entendre
want to see my badge?
far
in a spoon fed fantasy
my spoon is too big

thats why yours was small
it fit
it all slipped into place
mine fell
pointed my way

thats why I went home
but I do...

remember
Current Mood: contemplative

Mar. 2nd, 2004 @ 11:42 pm
new icon. new layout. new mindset.

wonderfellous.
yea. definitely wonderful.

Feb. 7th, 2004 @ 02:43 am
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."

Masks, facades...it's sad, in a way, what we're forced to hide from people. Especially when, most often, we hide our deepest, darkest secrets from those who care most.

Why is that, though? I love my family dearly, but I never ever delve into the levels of depression that I go through on a regular basis with them. I'm tired of hearing, "We'll find you help." and all that shit. I'm really fucking tired of it. I don't want help, I want to be a normal person who's shallow enough to worry more about eyeshadow choices than the welfare of people I barely know and whatever else plagues me on a daily basis.

And why do these people matter? Why should I care if I offend someone or empower someone? Nobody worries about stepping on my toes or if I'm getting out of bed in the morning.

And why, now, am I up until 3am worrying about this shit? I keep coming back to that book, Prozac Nation, by Elizabeth Wurtzel. In it, she says, All I want is to be in-between.

Well, duh. Obviously I don't want to be a fucking shallow, narcissitic asshole who cares only for herself and her well being, but I don't want to be this empathic loser who can't seem to crawl out of bed in the morning for fear of hearing someone else's sob story and relating to it in my own special way. I want to find that...in-between-ness and embrace it, but goddamnit, this is who I am and how I've been for my entire life. How do you change what you've grown so accustomed to?

It's time to lay off the caffeine at 3am, because this is what it leads to. Self-analysis egged on by reading one quote by Camus.

And of course, in re-reading this quote, I've found yet another thing to rant about. People wonder why I don't get out of bed in the morning/afternoon/evening...

I'm too fucking tired. Yea, I do absolutely nothing and I wallow in self-degradation, but shit...do you know how exhausting it is to pretend that everything is fine and fucking hunky-dory? If you don't. then bless you, for you're normal to begin with.

That's all. Feel free to comment with any debate quality entries. I'm searching for mental stimulation.
Current Mood: nerdy
Current Music: NIN - Perfect Drug

Feb. 4th, 2004 @ 06:49 am
PS: Just got a yen to hear Foolish Games by Jewel. I haven't vomited yet, but a good bout of bawling should do it.

[begin_incoherent_rambling] Feb. 4th, 2004 @ 06:44 am
Been up all night.
My stomach has been playing tricks on me. One minute it tells me that we have to go potty because we're gonna vomit. The next it tells me I'm hungry. What kind of evil games are we playing here, hmm, Madame Belly?

Maybe that ulcer I've been warned about has finally been born.

:cheers:

Maybe I should slow down the intake of coffee and benzodiazepines for a little while. I'm actually pretty sure that the two were cancelling each other out anyway. Boo.

I miss the summer.

[/end_incoherent_rambling]
Current Mood: nauseated
Other entries
» (No Subject)
Drunk on a random Wednesday evening?
Oh yes, that'd be me.

I want more snow. I want the whole microcosm as I know it to come to a grinding halt. Yea...that'd be nice.

Ah, a dream is a wish your heart makes...
Jan. 29th, 2004 @ 01:48 am
» (No Subject)
I've yet to sleep.

There's a trainwreck in my head, at the moment. I'm trying to sort through the mess. I'm not succeeding, and this lack of nicotine is not helping, either.

I don't even remember what it feels like to be normal anymore. I'm too busy searching for not depressed.

And no, normal and not depressed are not equal to each other.

I want to paint. I want the money to buy supplies to paint with. I want to turn all the lights on, blast my music, and let it all out on canvas.

I'm stuck in this routine of simply eating and sleeping, and I've forgotten what living really feels like. Sure, I answer phone calls and pretend to be okay for everyone else's sake, but let's get real here folks. When did any of them ever know me to be okay?

Exactly.
Fucking weather. It's gotta be the weather. I need sunshine and warmth. I need motivation. I need cigarettes.

Shit.

I've been toying with the notion of getting back with my ex. Then I remember that exboyfriends have that little prefix for a reason. It would be the same pain all over again. Same broken heart and selfless actions met by selfish attitude. Dreams that were never shared and therefore, never acheived.

Can't do it.
Don't love him that way anymore, anyway. And no matter how hard either of us tries, (and I know it'll be me trying and him just being him) it will never be the same again.
Jan. 26th, 2004 @ 04:18 am
» (No Subject)
It's so easy for me to claim I hate everything.

It's much more difficult to go through with the process of hating what the future holds, what the past has given, and what the present yields.
Jan. 23rd, 2004 @ 01:35 am
» (No Subject)
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine

I'm never watching Cruel Intentions again. It should be titled "Suicidal Intentions" due to the fact that, although I know perfection in love is impossible, this movie makes me dream that it could be.

Fuck it.
I'm so fucking lonely.
Jan. 23rd, 2004 @ 01:27 am
» wow. a long post. :twirls finger in the air:
I get the distinct notion that I am destined to be alone forever.
Every step I take in the direction of socializing, of finding someone for myself, or of just emerging from my shell, is met with difficulties. It seems I'll never be able to find my way out
of this hovel.

Sometimes I don't even mind that I probably will be alone for a good portion of forever. But not today. I mind today.

I'm not sure if I'd rather break something, kill something, or numb the pain with something. There is obviously more to living than just breathing, but what happens when the forces that be seem content to just let you breathe and dream your life away, and dissatisfied when you push for something more?

I spoke with someone this evening whom I haven't spoken to in almost two years. He left me without a word as to why. Just stopped calling me one day, no explanation, no reason. Left me feeling inadequate and used, tossed aside and forgotten.

He's married now. His wife is expecting.
And wouldn't you know it? He hit on me.

You'd think I'd be outraged, or annoyed. And I am a little annoyed, please don't get me wrong. But I'm hurt, still, and I'm just...I don't even know how to phrase it. I'm lonely, goddammit. I just want to belong to someone. To fall asleep in their arms night after night without worry of them leaving at 3am because they've got a girlfriend waiting at home. To wake up in the morning and find them still sleeping next to me.

And yes, maybe the quick fix method of booty call and fuck buddy isn't right. But being alone isn't right either. Not when I've so much to offer, so much love to give. But what am I to do when being with someone has only taught me to fear love, to bury my head under the covers and shy away from it the next time it comes knocking on my door?

I just want to know that I have a place in this world.
And I just want to know that the place I have includes someone who can understand me and love me for who I am.

I guess it's too much to ask.

I have set aside everything I love
I have saved everything else for you
I cannot decide what this doubt's made of
Though I thought over it through and through

In a book in a box high upon a shelf
In a locked and guarded vault
Are the things I keep only for myself
It's your fate but it's not your fault

And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?

There is nowhere else I would rather be,
but I can't just be right here
An enigma wrapped in a mystery,
or a fool consumed by fear

And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?

I will give you all I could ever give
Though it's less than you will need
Could you just forget, if you can't forgive
All the things I cannot concede

And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?
Jan. 22nd, 2004 @ 03:32 am
» (No Subject)
DarkMagic
Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's
beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't
mean you're not friendly!


Please rate ^^


What kind of dark person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I like the quiz, but I'm really beginning to hate anime characters.
Jan. 21st, 2004 @ 08:41 pm

» (No Subject)
phoenix
You are a PHOENIX in your soul and your
wings make a statement. Huge and born of flame,
they burn with light and power and rebirth.
Ashes fall from your wingtips. You are an
amazingly strong person. You survive, even
flourish in adversity and hardship. A firm
believer in the phrase, 'Whatever doesn't kill
you only makes you stronger,' you rarely fear
failure. You know that any mistake you make
will teach you more about yourself and allow
you to 'rise from the ashes' as a still greater
being. Because of this, you rarely make the
same mistake twice, and are not among the most
forgiving people. You're extremely powerful and
wise, and are capable of fierce pride, passion,
and anger. Perhaps you're this way because you
were forced to survive a rough childhood. Or
maybe you just have a strong grasp on reality
and know that life is tough and the world is
cruel, and it takes strength and independence
to survive it. And independence is your
strongest point - you may care for others, and
even depend on them...but when it comes right
down to it, the only one you need is yourself.
Thus you trust your own intuition, and rely on
a mind almost as brilliant as the fire of your
wings to guide you.You are eternal and because
you have a strong sense of who and what you
are, no one can control your heart or mind, or
even really influence your thinking. A symbol
of rebirth and renewal, you tend to be a very
spiritual person with a serious mind - never
acting immature and harboring a superior
disgust of those who do. Likewise, humanity's
stupidity and tendency to want others to solve
their problems for them frustrates you
endlessly. Though you can be stubborn,
outspoken, and haughty, I admire you greatly.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla


I relate with the phoenix in the deepest ways. How fitting it is that I received this answer.

And how tired I am of being the strong and self saving individual.
Jan. 21st, 2004 @ 08:35 pm
» build for the future?
Nuked mashed potatoes at 6am = classic.

Warm soda at 6am = classic.

Swollen eyes at 6am = sucks.

All of the above plus a brand-spankin-new pack of Marlboros?

Perfection.
Jan. 18th, 2004 @ 06:10 am
» bleh.
Went to the diner tonight, but couldn't be bothered to eat. I drank a milkshake and took home what I'd ordered to save for later. I should have gone out for pizza instead. Ah, woe is me.

A pizza for cold_and_black:

Tomato Sauce, Mozzarella, Ricotta, Parmesan, Cheddar, Monterey Jack, Fresh Basil, Bacon, Oregano, Parsley, and a perfectly-baked crust.
Fun with pizza toppings at The Pizza Arbiter

Jan. 16th, 2004 @ 01:14 am
» (No Subject)
LAST PERSON WHO....
Slept in your bed: my cat
Saw you cry: my mirror
Made you cry: myself
You shared a drink with: probably my mother, sadly enough
You went to the movies with: dunno...
You went to the mall with: :cringe: the mall...i avoid it. but, family around christmas time...
Yelled at you: my mother (for sleeping too much)
Sent you an e-mail: some spammer looking to make my penis bigger.

HAVE YOU EVER....
Said "I love you" and meant it?: to my immediate family.
Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish,etc.: my cat. constantly.
Been to New York?: yep
Been to Florida?: yep
California?: yep
Hawaii?: no
Mexico?: no
China?: no
Canada?: yep
Danced naked?: yep
Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: yep, all the time
Wish you were the opposite sex?: for one week out of the month...
Had an imaginary friend?: when i was little...

RANDOM
Red or blue?: red
Spring or fall?: spring...means summers coming...
Last noise you heard?: the hum of the computer
Last time you went out of the state: nyc.
Things you like in a girl? lips. intelligence.
Do you have a crush on someone?: maybe.
What book are you reading now?: surprisingly, none.
Worst feeling in the world: pity.
What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: more sleep.
How many rings before you answer?: 3 or 4.
Future daughter's name: :shrug:
Future son's name: :shrug:
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?: interesting. less of a job, more of an enjoyable task.
Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?: righthanded, but slightly ambidexterous.
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?: since I was 10.
What's under your bed?: wood floor.
Current Age: 22
Siblings: brothers. hate them.
Location: cranford.
Piercings: too many.
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: negative.

THE EXTRA STUFF...
Do you do drugs?: occasionally.
Do you drink?: occasionally.
Who is your best friend?: i have one or two.
What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?: aussie.
What are you most scared of?: life.
What clothes do you sleep in?: sweats.
Who is the last person who called you?: don't remember. probably the credit card company.
Where do you want to get married?: bali.
If you could change anything about yourself what would that be?: my fears.
Who do you really hate?: too many to name...
Favorite number: 13
Been In Love?: yes.
What Type Automobile Do You Drive: grand am.
Are You Timely Or Always Late: always late, never early.
Do You Have A Job: eh...data entry on occasion.
Do You Like Being Around People: negative.
Are you for world peace: as much as I believe in a utopian society.
Are you a health freak: negative.

STUFF...
Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: probably. does angelina jolie count?
Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: yes.
Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: yes.
Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: no. I just want someone.
Ever Liked a close boy/Girl Friend: yes.
Are You Lonely Right Now: always.
Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: yes.
Do You Want To Get Married: eventually.
Do You Want Kids: perhaps.

FAVORITE...
Room In house: anywhere quiet.
Type(s) of music: it varies from day to day.
Song: varies as well.
Memory: better days...
Day Of The Week: saturday.
Color: red.
Perfume and/Or Cologne: aqua di gio.
Season: early summer.

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU....
Cried: yes.
Bought Something: cigarettes.
Gotten Sick: no
Sang: yes.
Said I Love You: to my mother.
Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: negative.
Met Someone New: negative.
Moved On: neagative. I'm a champion dweller.
Talked To Someone: yes.
Had A Serious Talk: yes.
Missed Someone: yes.
Hugged Someone: no, wanted to.
Fought With Your Parents: of course.
Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: yes.
Had a lot of sleep: negative.
Jan. 15th, 2004 @ 10:16 am
» hmmm....
Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Username?
Your Love Is...Soft
During Lovemaking You Act...Like a river, very refreshing
Your Partner Is...Your slave
Your Partner Has Said That You...Are extrodinary
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote."One must know how to seduce"
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Jan. 13th, 2004 @ 04:20 pm
» (No Subject)
No, I don't want to talk about it.
Jan. 13th, 2004 @ 04:44 am
» (No Subject)
Last cigarette, and then it's time to sleep.
It's too cold to be sleeping alone. Thank god for stuffed animals.
:pouts:
I'm so poor, I'm smoking Maverick cigarettes.
Take pity on me. Donate Marlboros.

I'm starting to feel lonely. This is odd, considering the winter is normally my most depressed time of year. I usually bask in the glory of self-loathing during this time, but perhaps it's time to learn to share myself once again.

I'm a little nervous about the sound of that.
I'll have to reconsider.

I read an interesting quote in Memnoch, the Devil by Anne Rice. But then I forgot to mark the page.

I'm a winner.

:sigh:
I wish it would warm up.
Jan. 12th, 2004 @ 03:29 am
» (No Subject)
PS2 + Cheat Code Central = Fun Times.

No sex in the champagne room. :\
Jan. 8th, 2004 @ 03:04 am
» (No Subject)
Hidey ho.

I'm tired. I'm awake, but I'm tempted to nap. I have a headache like woah.

I need sex.

>:\

Grrr...be afraid. Me + Sexual Frustration = Serious Issues
Jan. 7th, 2004 @ 03:02 pm

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